THE FIRST BRONSON CHALLENGE 2011
(5th March 2011)

The following account of the walk comes from Amanda Richardson:

BRONSON CHALLENGE – DARTMOOR – SPONSORING CANCER RESEARCH UK
5th March 2011

Where do I begin??? I guess by saying what a brilliant day!!

I know not all of us were there to enjoy ourselves (Steve ?), but amongst the pain of the trek were some comedy genius moments, and it was most definitely a day to remember. 4 days later and I’m still chuckling to myself.

07:30hrs outside Exeter prison, I call Tony’s mobile to find out where the boys are (I thought I was running late) and Steve answers and informs me that “Somebody couldn’t get out of bed”. They were running late and it turns out that that “somebody” was Tony, who’d been out on the piss the night before until 03:30hrs and therefore couldn’t get out of bed. Steve wasn’t slightly impressed with Tony’s lateness, but despite this early morning lovers tiff, Tony and Steve had come prepared:

An absolutely brilliant picture and I managed to email a copy of it straightaway to Charlie’s brother Mark who thought it was brilliant. I might take this opportunity to mention that although Mark is ex-forces, he was only in the Navy and therefore he said he would never be able to manage the Bronson challenge (sorry Mark, had to get that dig in, but we both know that the Army is the senior service :-) ).

This next picture was taken outside Exeter prison, just before we departed for our Saturday stroll across the moors!

Mug shot of the 8 of us who turned up and completed the walk. Even Charlie himself made an appearance!! As for me, I didn’t have time to shave that morning.

From left to right: Steve Swatton aka Charlie Bronson lookalike (uncanny resemblance too, just a few inches difference in height), Andy’s walking partner (apologies for not remembering your name), Andy was born blind but didn’t let that stop him tackling Dartmoor (hat off to you Andy), Trevor complete with shiny brand new unworn walking boots, Graham, Amanda (me), Tony & Syd.

No idea what time we eventually set off, but I guess about 08:30hrs. So off we walk through Exeter on a Saturday morning, looking like the remnants of a convict’s fancy dress party the night before, and within 2 minutes it becomes apparent that nobody knows the route. Nice one. So out come all our GPS phones and off we trot only adding 1 mile to our already long journey!!

The team stuck together for a short while and then in true paratrooper style, Steve got his head down and steamed off ahead with Trevor – and his brand spanking new walking boots. Andy and his walking partner picked up the pace and started burning rubber too, leaving the rest of us to bring up the rear (plenty of jokes to that comment I’m sure).

First hill and we all think Graham’s going to keel over and die. Turns out the cold weather triggered his asthma and he didn’t have his inhalers. His lovely wife of 30yrs turned up along the route with their daughter and grandchildren and the much needed inhaler; however Graham was never going to let a small matter of an asthma attack stop him from finishing what he set out to do! That guy has determination, coupled with a very limited vocabulary that consists mainly of, “fuck, fuckers, cunt & cunts”. If Graham had to stop swearing… well, quite simply, the guy would be fucked.

At this point I guess we’re only about 2 miles into the walk, so rather than recall every detail, I shall highlight just some of the more memorable moments:

Firstly there was the point when Tony mentioned how his feet were hurting and he was going to change his boots and put his trainers on the next time we saw Jim and the van. Worth mentioning here that Jim was a little treasure who was the driver / admin / photographer and whatever else we needed him for that day. In other words, he was our bitch (sorry Jim, just joking, you did a great job! ? ). About half an hour Tony stated he wanted his trainers, Jim trundles up in the van and informs us how Trevor was having a nightmare with his new unworn boots and that his feet were starting to bleed. Apparently the guy was really suffering. Jim then casually mentions, “… he’s ok now though Tony, he’s put your trainers on”. Tony clearly wasn’t impressed that Trevor had TWOC’d his trainers, which obviously made the rest of us laugh! (By the way Trevor… Tony won’t ever let you forget that!! And did you find the Snickers wrappers in your new boots?? It wasn’t me, and I’m not a grass (Syd). You’re lucky Tony didn’t fling your new boots into a bush!).

So the 4 of us bringing up the rear had a cracking day and although it was very tough, we were lucky enough to have Syd with us. I can only describe Syd as one fucking funny bloke… and the guy can talk. To be precise, he can talk for 30 miles. When we got to the pub at the end, Syd wondered why his voice was going and pondered out loud that it must’ve “been the wind and cold weather” … hmmm, I think it was more like 12hrs non-stop chatter. We wouldn’t have had it any other way though; here are some of the funnier comments:

• Syd on marriage: “If I wanted to get married, I’d just find someone I hated and buy them a house”

• Syd on offering me his mobile phone to call my mum, and me asking if he had a signal: “for £30 a month……. I fucking hope so”

• Syd on the price of drinks in Plymouth: “they see you coming and pull your pants down…”

• Syd on seeing a Shetland mare: “she’s a beauty, she’s even done her hair all nice”

Bringing up the rear from Left to Right: Syd the stand-up comedian, Tony without his trainers and Graham, the verbally challenged Tourette’s sufferer. Top blokes.

What else…

Well I learnt that mulled cider is fucking disgusting but it’s so strong it actually helps with the aches and pains associated with walking 30 miles. I also know you only need to give a small cup of that to a 6’5” bodybuilder and stand back and laugh while you watch him yak! I also found out that vodka & redbull is a great drink to help on these events. The vodka numbs the pain and the redbull sends you off walking like the Duracell bunny.

I know that Jim has some secrets from those long lonely hours he spent on Dartmoor, which he’ll probably take to the grave… all I can say is that the dog seemed quite content… you’ll have to ask Jim the rest! I also now know that Jim isn’t very good at judging distances:

• Q: Where’s the next pub Jim? A: About half a mile up the road (pub’s 5 miles away)

• Q: Where’s the next village Jim? A: About half a mile up the road (4 miles)

• Q: How far to the end Jim? A: About 2.5miles (6miles)

• Q: When will we next see you Jim? A: 2 miles (5miles)

Bringing up the rear and Dartmoor in all its gloomy glory!! According to Jim we were only about 2 miles from the pub at this point. Pfff! The pub was non-existent for at least 3 miles and was then a mirage that kept disappearing behind brows and coming back into view for a further mile!

So what can I say about Steve Swatton??

Well I know that if anyone ever complains about anything in Steve’s gym, he just points at the sign that says something along the lines of “if you don’t like the way I run my gym, then fuck off” … and there’s no negotiation on that. Don’t like the music? Steve points to the sign. Don’t think the mirrors are clean enough? Steve points to the sign.

Steve is a completely dedicated man with a determination of steel. This event wouldn’t have happened without Steve and for that Charlie Bronson, Cancer Research (who we raised approximately £1,500 for) and all us participants should be grateful. I certainly won’t be forgetting about it in a hurry and I think I’ll be the first to put my name down for any future events he organises. However Steve has a little secret that came out……… the man likes to flash at old ladies.

Moments after this picture was taken, two coaches full of old dears drove past and his pants were still down ?

Anyway, top day. A bit of publicity for Charlie’s campaign, new friendships formed, money raised for a good cause and some very fond memories for us participants to take away.

Thanks Steve and thanks to everyone who made the day a success. Can’t wait to see you all again in the future!! You’re a bunch of diamonds – rough diamonds – but the best type in my opinion :-)

Amanda.